“But how do I own it?” I asked my husband. He replied, “you just do.”
This body is your first interaction with me. It is how you will begin forming your opinions of me. You will, however, never know the parental influence that led me to believe my body mostly made me worthy and lovable. You will never know how I punished myself trying to learn to love myself. You will never know the hours I spent pushing my body to be worthy, beating it into submission. You will never know the love of life and the sorrow of loss I endured through this body. You will never know the purest love I ever felt with this body was not my own love but the love of my husband. You will never know how many outfits I put on before finally settling on this one. You will never know how little I really do eat. You will never know how much I control my food. You will never know my health has taken a toll from the control. You will never know the love I feel for everyone but myself. You will never know the rules I live by to control this body. You will never know the story of strength I found trying to love myself. You will never know my persistence, the pain, the tears… you will never know the control… You will never know I am lovable… will you?
Though if I have yet to find what I’m looking for through control, and what I’m looking for will never be found with YOU at all, then why not take the advice of my husband?
Can it really be that simple? Yes and No. Yes, it’s that simple to make a decision of owning something or allowing it to own you. No, it’s not as simple as saying “just do it” and it happening. It takes practice. It takes kindness and forgiveness and LOVE. You can not beat love into submission. You can not force love on someone. Why would you expect it to work that way for yourself?
So when my husband told me, “you just do.” I knew he was right and it was time I just had to let go… Just let go of the control. Be kinder to myself. Be forgiving. Be gentle.
So I also want to say to you… You are worthy, you are lovable, you are enough.